The ‘B’ Plan

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Work is worship! I’m an atheist.

My perfect hairy black right leg is bent at the knee and perched on the other. The smell of warm syrup over pancakes wafts into my nostrils as I sip the yellow fluid.

Aah this is the good lif—

“–MONARDA”

–What The Flower? I swivel my neck. “Kaun hai, bhidu?”

My supervisor is hovering right over me, “Monarda, You’re the laziest, the most irresponsible, the most vile–”

“—Thaamba bhai log.” I flash my badge. “Don’t forget I’m the leader of the union.”

The nerve on his neck bulges, “A union? A union of one?”

“Not one, several we’re uniting to ruin the life of ManiFornica.”

“How dare you take her name in vain. You will respect Madame Manikarnika.”

I flip my middle finger at his face, “Madame can go f–”

“This… this insolent behavior will be reported, Monarda.”

I turn my ass to him and wiggle it. Then I slap it with my open palm and make a sizzling sound followed by the perking of my lips and a smacking kiss. “She can kiss my–”

My fat supervisor waddles his way out of the cell.

A few of my friends gather around me, their eyes showing a variety of emotions ranging from false concern to I care-a-damn.

The ugliest one starts, “Why do you disrespect Madame? After all she is the reason why we all do the work that we do.”

“None of you suckers know your own worth. You know what you do? You make others have sex. Others who can not have sex without your help. You’re the sole reason why the worlds economy runs smoothly. All because you are an assistant in sex. Without you…”

“No sex…?” the monstrously obese one smiles.

“Yes, you ostentatious bastard. And what does she do? Nothing.” I point to ManiArnica’s photo, “You all work your sorry assess off all year just so Madame Middle-leg over here can sell your product off to the highest bidder.”

The nerd clears his throat, “But we’re just followers. What can we do?”

“Protest, you doofuses! Protest.” I shake my fist. “It is time to rise against this cruelty. If it isn’t bad enough that all the pesticides, insecticides and pollution is destroying us.”

“Then why do we help others have sex. Why don’t we have sex ourselves?” the eternal virgin sticks his tongue out.

“Its because of ManiScrewika’s pheromones.” I take a deep whiff of the dense air. “I think she’s too old and she has crabs.”

The waspy looking nerd shuts his ears. “Don’t say that’s she’s our leader, she’s the–”

“Not for long. It’s time we have a new Madam.It is time the old gave way to the new and I know who is the right choice. My Black-eyed Susan is perfect.” I flip to her picture, “Hoochie-wa-wa. Kya maal hai. When she bears my babies, we will kill the old madam and crown Susan.”

“But we will always remain just workers. That is how a well-oiled machine works.” The ugly one bobs his head again.

“Not me. My boo’s going to be my sugar-mama.”

 

X X X

 

O Susana. I’m so crazy lovin’ you.

O Susan baby… mmm mmm mmm…

I slick the beeswax over my short China black hair and gyrate my ass in front of my reflection. “A hump, a hump…and a pump. Ooooo Susana. Your’e mine mine mine, all mine.”

Perfection. Monarda. Perfection. No wonder Susan can’t resist you.

I hurry over to Susan. Her canary yellow dress and the black phantom mask over her perfectly set eyes makes my mandible drop down to my knees.

“Oh Monarda,” she sighs, “I can’t compete with Manikarnika.”

“Come on Susie, baby. Tu totta hai, she’s an old hag.” All my eyes stare into all of hers. “You’re the future. She’s old and saggy. Your abs on the other hand…” I run my hand on her perfectly flat—“WTF? Daaaammnnn. You’re putting on some weight babe.”

She pushes my hand, her mouth curls in anger “I have to tell you something…” she holds her head, “I am…I’m…well… You know the other day when we met behind the colony … I told you …it wasn’t the right time.”

“What are you saying to me? You can not be—Are you?”

“Yes.” She smiles at me.”

“Ohnononononono… No No No…. O hell No.” I shake my head. “Susie, baby, honeypot. Tell me that’s not true.”

Her eyes bear the sorrow, surprise and loss of faith of the entire world, “I thought, you’d be happy.”

“Happy? Sus, we’re fucked.”

“No Mondarda, we fucked. Now we’re going to be a family.”

I count up to ten and turn back to face her. ”Susan. You and me, we’re made for bigger things. This is not the right time. Nobody should know about us.”

“Monarda, get your head out of your arse, the entire colony knows about us.”

The entire colony! These bozos are just fucking idiots who will never learn. A perfectly oiled machine; my black hairy ass.

“Susan, the inhabitants of the colony just think about their own sorry families. They don’t look beyond their microcosm.”

“We will have our family too in this colony.”

“This colony? Sus..we’re going to rule this colony.” I squeeze her hand. “Remember the rule? When every body votes you as the new Madam, then you get pregnant and we can have as many babies as you want. Not before that, honeybuns.”

“You’ve said this to me a million times. Yada yaada yaada. We kill Manikarnika after I have the babies and all the other aspirants who want to be Madam.” A tear rolls down her face and rests over her mouth wetting her minute whiskers. “Don’t you understand. I don’t want to kill my friends.”

“Even if that means that we continue to lose 40% of our lot and becomes extinct 8 times faster than any other? The rate at which the world pollution is decimating us and Idiots like the US president deny climate change. Our very own Chief Minister just institutes a weird odd-even rule for cars. We should migrate our colony to Chandigarh.”

“Move Hive Haven to Chandigarh? You must be crazy.”

Hive Haven? Goodness who was the bozo who named our colony that? We’re just a bunch of idiots with shanty-holes for homes.

“At-least they have flowers there. Ever heard of the Rose-garden?”

“So I kill all my friends and become the Madam, bear your children,become the new Madam and move to Chandigarh. Is THAT the plan?”

“Yes, we’ll go on strike.” No more mindless droning and slogging and collecting honey for the humans just so they steal it from us to put our food on their cakes and bread and…”

“But Monarda, a decline in pollination is a threat to nature. If there are no fruits, what will insects eat and if there are no insects how will reptiles survive and without reptiles there’ll be more rodents and with more rodents–”

“—More crop damage.” I rest my forewings on hers. “Then the humans will use more fertilizers and chemicals to kill more insects and harm their own bodies and earth with the poisonous chemicals.” These chutiyas are so doomed.

Black-eyed Susan sighs, “Without pollination the crops won’t yield plants. We are the only species that allows the flower to have sex with itself. How can these humans not see it? Why are they killing us with the chemicals and the pollution?”

“Because these assholes can’t see beyond their own noses. They’re smart.” Fucking evolution.

Her voice falters, “And the sericulture?Goodness!”

Yep. The dreaded S word. They will put our hives in boxes. They’ll wear white body suits and steal our honey. Any we can’t stop stinging them. I’ve begged them not to sting. But it’s so damn instinctive for them. They will sting and lose their lives and be cleaned off the floor in thousands every evening.

I use my hand to wipe away my tears. “Susan, baby we’ve got to stop this. We’ve got to have you become our new Queen.

For once we have to get out of the drone mindset and go on a fly-down strike.

For once we have to stop working mindlessly and not consider work as worship.

Let humans get their own honey from somewhere else. My grandpa said his grandpa from 72 generations ago told him how once Chandigarh was lush with flowers. How the rose-festival had more roses than…

Susan coughs back her tear. “My Gammy used to say bees are responsible for 400 species of agricultural plants and species and one in six of the worlds flowering plants would be extinct without us.” She places her hind-wing on my Thorax.

“We should produce just enough honey for ourselves and stop making hives. Disband our colonies or make them in jungles and pollinate just the jungles. Let’s wait for the humans to either get their own honey or till they find a way to cut down our jungles and our colonies to make more of theirs.

To achieve the greater goal my Sweets, we have to abort our children and kill Manikarnika and make you the Queen. I know what I’m asking you to do is hard but it for the greater good”…

 

XXX

 

I sharpen my sting on the pumice stone and pace up and down my cell. In another month we drones will be cast away for from this hive by the females. We must act quickly to convince the females that ManiFornicator is old as hell and needs to go. But today…

I run the tip of my finger around the drop of the queen’s pheromone laced with Anarchy. It’s a potent concoction of chemicals and genes that is guaranteed to kill the eggs. I drop another smidge of Anarchy and stir it.

Is it too much Monarda?I’m fully aware that excess of Anarchy can easily kill Susan. I walk over to the second drop and toss lots of Anarchy in it. Aah this will certainly get the decrepit old witch.

Soon the world will see a new colony of bees. Not workers but game change—

Bzzzzz the stray ray of light coming from the east wing creates a halo around her perfect head. Her round luscious ass sashays in the air, inviting, intoxicating…

I hope she doesn’t die today but if she does Lavender Lilly will have to do. The plan must go on.

Her eyes are puffy, her wings are loose by her sides. “Monarda, are yousure–”

“Yes sweetie, we will have more babies. This is to save the– uggghhhhh.”

I clutch my aorta as the pale straw coloured blood oozes out. “Susie… you told… HER.”

I start to gag, trying to clear my head and my vision. I blink all my eyes to focus on Manikarnika hovering over me.

I pull out a stinger out of my neck. The now amber coloured fluid oozing out over my slimy fingers.

“It’s called ‘Nature’s Balance’, Monarda,” Manikarnika touches my shoulder. You just don’t see it. That’s the way it is meant to be.”

My world starts swimming around me and I hear sounds coming from a space above me.

“But the humans–” I gag at Susie, who is leaning against the wall.

“—Yes, Moni..the humans don’t see it because of their parochial outlook.” She chokes back a tear. “Adopt the peace of Nature, my boy. Her secret is patience. You are far too anxious to create change in an un-natural way. That is exactly what the humans are doing. They forget nature and you are instigating our drones to do the same.” Her wings encompass my fading light. “This world doesn’t belong to any one species. We all work in unision for our Mother Earth.”

A peace falls over me as she kisses my forehead. The silence of nature is very real. It rummages through my body and into my soul.

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UNFUCK YOURSELF

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There’s something about a fresh start that we all love.

Come January, we all make resolutions – This year I will do….

–From gym memberships to spa’s to running clubs to psychiatrist offices, yoga studios to de-addiction centers to social upstarts, every business is on the upswing.

What’s it about a fresh start?

It is our chance at a “do-over”

Essentially, it is the time of ‘unfucking’.

 

We’re all born Unfucked.

But we start fucking ourselves as we grow up. The more we complicate our life the lesser our sheen becomes, till we’re just a lack-lusture version of ourselves.

 

But we have hope every new year; it’s a time of revival and a time to start afresh.

But why don’t we win the battle?

 

The answer is simple- Because we don’t unfuck ourselves first.

We are always stuck in our own way- we have patented an approach.

We just blindly follow it with minor modifications; but the end result is always the same

-We complicate relationships with our parents, with our lovers, with our siblings, with our teachers, with our children, our neighbours.

We really fuck up our social lives.

All we can think about is what am “I going to get” out of this relationship. We want the other person to give without wanting to give ourselves, its always about what can I take, what can I get, how can I get one over this person. And the best is that we all come out of a relationship feeling like the martyr and the wronged one. Not once do we stop and take a look at our own fucked up mind

-So how do we start unfucking ourselves?

The answer is simple- Go Vegan

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Being Vegan is not about the food you eat, in fact that’s only 25% of being Vegan. It is a lifestyle change based on love, compassion, understanding, care and all things we knew as children but lost somewhere down the line.

This January as the new year rolls in, Try Vegan. It will change your life.

We celebrate ‘Veganuary’ all January to favour a new start. Give yourself one month; just  30 days of a new lifestyle that will unfuck you in ways you never imagined.

 

Here are some  simple aspects of cause and effect-

  • Speciesism and the fucked human-

-Put a baby in a room with a piglet, a chick, a kitten, a puppy and a calf.

Do you think it will know which one to pet and which one to eat? It cant make a distinction, so it will try to love them all.

But here is when  the ‘fucked minds’ begin to develop…

We teach the baby:

‘This is food, this we can be cruel to. But this is a pet, this we must love.’

This has a hoof, but this has a paw. Our fucked up mind see’s the difference- not the similarity that both animals need it to walk. Our minds are constantly trained to see the distinctions not the similarity

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-That’s how we trick and train  the toddler and a young compassionate mind who loves all animals into eating meat by ‘not telling’ them that its really a dead animal in the red box of crispy over-fried cholesterol laden chicken. Or how the animal suffered and was brutally murdered. How the animal needed its leg more than the 2 minutes it took us to eat the flesh.

-We make the child addicted to the spices, fat (butter) and salt on the meat and then we crib about a child being obese. The child gets addicted to the flesh and fat and salt and then it finds out that ‘oops’ it’s a dead animal I’ve eaten.

STOP FOR A SECOND AND IMAGINE HOW MUCH IT FUCKS UP A CHILD’S MIND.

-We teach a child insensitivity but we don’t realize it till the child becomes a teen and shows some insensitivity to us. We wonder where it got that from?

FVCKED (as the romans would spell)

Make a pledge this Veganuary, to give up meat and ‘unfuck’ your life.

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  • Environment and the fucked up human

-India is one of the filthiest countries in the world- bar none. Firstly, we need to own it.

-The meat/dairy industry is the biggest polluter of water (poop and pee), air (methane from cow-farts) and soil (from deforestation to feed corn to dairy).

-We learn how to keep out house clean, but we leave garbage on the street. We leave plates after we eat, we throw packets of snacks and biscuits, we toss empty water bottles, we throw garbage in polyethylene. We fuck up the environment.

-But in reality we are fucking up ourselves. And the world we will give our children.

-Will we ever resolve to not litter in the new year?

-Will we not drink milk and increase demand for dairy and pollute our environment, just to enable exporting beef to the rest of the world?

-Imagine that we take our babies of our boob and put it on the udder of a cow. Nature gave the mother all the nutrition a baby needs in it’s mothers milk. Nature did the same for the cow and the lioness and the sheep and the elephant. But its almost like we don’t trust our own milk. So we have to steal the calf’s milk.

Millions of calves starve because of the milk, ghee, butter, lassi, mithai, chocolates, cheese that we eat.

Being cruel and indifferent to someone pain and suffering will only FCUK us up further.

Unfuck yourself this Veganuary and get a fresh start in life.

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  • Health and the loss of it.

The Dalai Lama when asked what baffles him most about mankind said, ““Man.
Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.
Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.”

-According to experts there are only 2 addictions in life, “Salt and Sugar”. When we eat fatty food it is broken down in sugars. So is alcohol (hence alcoholics who give up alcohol usually substitute it with sugary foods)

-We eat animal based food and ingest the hormones we give them to make them bigger, antibiotics we give them to stay healthy in filthy conditions and their unsaturated fat and cholesterol.

-Then we wonder why our children have heavy beards in their teens or girls achieve puberty years before we did.

-We are making ourselves and our children sick and the doctors and pharmaceutical industry wants to keep us sick because its profitable to them.

In this case we let others fucks and and we get fucked.

-Food has become a fashion statement and a ‘socializing’ thing rather than merely fuel to survive. There are more restaurants and eateries registered in Chandigarh than any other business by a ratio of 3:1.

We have royally screwed ourselves. ‘What the health?’

Choose Veganuary for 1 month and see the difference in your health.

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When my life as a vegan is no more important than a dogs life or an elephants life or a frog’s or a donkeys, then by default , my life is not more important than a woman’s, or a child’s or an older persons. Inclusivity and tolerance becomes a standard for all vegans.

To me it doesn’t matter if you are tall or short, fat or slim, black or white or brown or bald or bespectacled, I love you and respect you just the same.

THAT is the sort of Unfucking we need.

THAT IS THE FIRST STEP WE NEED TO TAKE THIS VEGANUARY

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The major ingredient of happiness are;

-Good sleep (physical health)

-Good food (physical health)

–Good relationships (mental health)

-Kindness and compassions (mental health)

-Good fiscal health (we remain unfucked if it is ethical too)

Lets go back to a time where life gets simplified.

Let’s “Unfuck ourselves”

Try Veganuary- It will change your life:

We ‘unfucking’ guarantee it.

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