THE VALENTINE’S DAY CONUNDRUM– BOLLYWOOD STYLE
I learnt all my romantic moves or lack of them from Bollywood movies. Because the pudding defines the proof; my being single is proof that the Bollywood romance formulas are foul pudding.
I’m an engineer. To my logical brain, If A=B and B=C then A should equal C- always.
So Bollywood taught me there seven ways to woo a woman.
1) If you love here follow her to the ends of the earth;
The hero chases the heroine from London to Punjab, from Gujarat to Italy. So I showed up to my girlfriends door in Switzerland and for the second time I got the response- What on earth are you doing here?
2) Save her from a bunch of thugs;
This has to work right? The brawny hero bangs up an un-imaginable number of goons. I saved my prospective girlfriend from an eve-teaser in a bus once. Well, I got arrested, refused to pay a bribe- went to court. Offered three months pocket money to a grossly incompetent and comical lawyer- and never saw the girl again.
3) Use a furry friend;
A cute dog (for some reason a Pomeranian) carrying a rose between its teeth and wearing a bow around its neck. The heroine carries the dog and sings a song, twirling amongst flying ribbons and balloons. My Doberman scared the crap out of every girl he approached. He was the gentlest dog but all he could carry was his reputation. Not only did he not find me a girlfriend, he never found one for himself. He was feared amongst all the strays and neighborhood dogs.
4) Let her go;
Sacrifice. That one must work. The hero reunites the heroine with a previous lover. Just in time the heroine realizes how important sacrifice is in the grand scheme of things and returns to the hero. I let my girlfriend go. And she left- darnit Bollywood. Then I followed her to the end of the earth and we know how that story turned out in point number 1 above.
5) Have your mom be you wingman;
The hero’s mom has the ability to explain away her son’s worse characteristics to the heroine. “Yes he is a serial killer, but he can touch his nose with his tongue.” Lo and behold the heroine melts. My mom was an expert in scaring away women I was almost engaged to. “Are you sure you want to marry Inder? His last girlfriend was…”
6) Ignore her completely;
Now go figure this one. The hero completely ignores the heroine- and she still falls for him. In the harsh reality of things- every hot chick has fifteen guys wooing her. Here is a ratio to explain my point. If you turn over any rock lying on the ground there are 3 men found under it and one guy will be sitting on that rock. My last hope was the questionably attractive girl that was ignoring all these guys- seemed like a slam dunk. Five dates and five hundred Rupees later I found out that she was gay.
7) Get her wet (noooooo literally- in the rain);
Well if it starts raining in Indian movies the hero and heroine’s fate is sealed. Song first, wet clothes next… Dry them by a fireplace… Kiss coming… Birds will fly out of the trees; they must… no sexual act can happen without birds flying out of trees. Some sobs and “I gave you my virginity’’ dialogues later- marriage happens. I got one woman wet once. A hospital visit and a fight with bone-chilling fever later- I was still single.
I am an engineer but if All of A is B it doesn’t mean all of B is A. Hence proven- Q.E.D
© Inderpal Sandhu and inderpalsandhu.wordpress.com, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Inderpal Sandhu and inderpalsandhu.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
indersandhu 
This is hilarious! Hard to equate love with science! Science makes sense!
…and love doesn’t right? Do you have a funny anecdote from your marriage, previous loves?
Inder
Now it makes sense 🙂 My knowledge is really limited about these movies but I met a Nigerian girl last summer who was in love with Bollywood movies. She said that she is attracted Indian guys just because of the movies she watched and always dreaming her love life would be like one of those movies. I will definitely share this one with her. Thanks for morning laugh Inderpal,
Niiiice…Yes this is true about how deep that love seems in the movies. So which method would u like to be wooed by yourself? It will be a nice poll to take. Why doesnt everyone tell me which of the Seven ways is the best….
Help a brothaa’ out…LOL
I don’t wanna say this brothaa’ helpless so come back to reality, life is not like movies 🙂 But if I have to pick one #1 is my favorite, I liked to be followed.
Sweet….
Inder, Having watched you stumble, and occasionally fall, in the game of love this is hysterical. Keep on making me laugh. You might consider laughter #8. That being said, I choose #7.
Dude,
Laughter gets you friends. With women, your jokes always turn repetitious. So laughter doesnt work– in the long run. LOL
Number 7 never really worked for me. I did play a lot of soccer in the rain in front of women spectators. That was till the day (I was a goalkeeper) I lost my shorts in a tussle for the ball.
Go figure.
Inder
Dude? Just saying … 1 thru 7 hasn’t worked either. Might consider giving #8 another try or wear suspenders when you are goaltending in the rain. LOL
Suspenders???…..LOL Will I need to play at the AARP meet and greet??
Nothings working for me…I’m hanging up my knickerbockers….(and not with suspenders)…
LOL
Having watched you stumble, and occasionally fall, this is hysterical. I laughed out loud and openly. Maybe you should consider laughter to be #8. That being said, I’ll choose #7.
Funny! #3 should be easy for you 🙂
Hahahaha…you would think Sabrina…but I can’t use the shelter dogs to further my sinister means…LOL…
How would u like to be pursued if you had a choice?
Inder
Do you want to borrow Shadow sometimes?? 😉
Reblogged this on ishqaz and commented:
Happy Valentine’s Day, this time Bollywood style…
Now this is a genius guy guide to finding the one! Love it!
Thx Zoya…
I don’t know if it is the genius guys way…since it didnt work….
Inder
Well, you kinda are missing some gunda’s, cow bells, swiss fields and the rain in the equation…
hahahah …thats true….
I love the “mom” part ..a great & hilarious read.. I personally find humor sexy in a guy.. But that’s just me talking .. Or thinking.. Or writing .. Love it 🙂 Pamela
Thx Pamela,
My mom is pretty cool really…but she can take a goodjoke just like I can
Inder
Hilarious!!!
Thank u simran…Bollywood fan I presume?